we all fall d o w n
by just like our last
Summary: Trying to live without your love is one long, sleepless night.


**Author's note: I know this is crappy. It was a writing experiment. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly. If I did, Seddie would still be together.**

You do not know when you fell for her, nor do you know why. You just know that you fell hard, and that you should not have fallen. You just know that no matter what, you can't get her out of your head. You just know that this is wrong, terribly wrong. She's your best friend; she's dating your other best friend; she is, well, her, a girl, and so are you, and that in itself is enough to make you extremely scared and uncertain about this whole thing.

Until recently, you have always remained safely confident of the fact that you are one hundred percent straight, but now that you have realized your feelings for her, you are starting to realize the fact that maybe this is why you have never truly felt sparks with any past boyfriends. Although, at this point, you are not sure if that's much of a comfort, considering the situation.

At first, when Freddie and Sam proposed that you were jealous of their relationship, you thought they were crazy. Of course you weren't jealous. You just missed having your best friends around, and didn't like that they spent all their time together without you. But then you started to notice how pained you felt when you pushed their heads together and helped them into that kiss; however seemingly happy the smile you forced upon on your lips, you could not ignore the fact you realized then that it was not Sam you were jealous of, but Freddie; it was not Freddie's affection you were longing for, but Sam's. And this scared you.

So what do you do? Well, you're Carly Shay. You don't think. You act. You cannot stand to be the only person that knows something. When something is wrong, you want to share it. You need help, you need advice; you are naive and inexperienced and you do not know how to deal with this.

And so the fateful conversation occurs with your brother one afternoon after school after talking to Sam and Freddie at school and discovering that they were going to a movie together that afternoon, with a promise to meet up later at your place for the iCarly rehearsal. Not being able to contain yourself any longer than you have to, the moment you burst in the door, you rush over to the kitchen, where Spencer is making... You don't even know what he's making, and you're not sure you want to. So you merely give him a curious, confused look as you approach him, slinging your backpack down onto the couch as you pass.

"Hey, Spencer," you begin.

He looks up from whatever he is doing. "Hey, hey, little sister," he greets, "how was school?"

"Good, but... I need to talk to you about something. Its serious," you add when he gives you an amusing, raised-eyebrow look. His expression softens.

"Well, what is it you've got to tell old Spencer-o?" He asks, giving himself a nickname out of nowhere.

"We should sit down," you suggest, and you take a seat the kitchen table, motioning for him to sit next to you. He does so, facing you with a curious and confused look on his face. You take a deep breath. "IthinkI'minlove." It comes out all as one word, a jumble of syllables that you are surprised he makes sense of.

"Well... good for you. But since when you wanted me to know about your love-life?" He asks. Even Spencer knows that he is not good with advice, especially relationship advice. He usually expects you to turn to Sam for something like this. Which you would, if it wasn't Sam you thought you were in love with.

You sigh. "It's not a normal kind of love. It's... it's someone I'm not supposed to be in love with."

"You mean like that time you dated Griffin?" Spencer frowned. It was clear he didn't want you having a relationship with another 'bad boy'. But you shake your head.

"It's... It's..." You look down, your dark brown hair falling over your face so that he cannot see it, your eyes suddenly focused intently on a crumb forgotten on the table from whatever meal was eaten there last. And so you pretend that you are speaking to the crumb, and not to your strange older brother. This proves to be relatively easy. After all, why does it matter if the crumb knows your secrets? And so you speak to the crumb.

"I think I'm in love with Sam."

Silence. You hesitantly glance up at Spencer, to make sure he is still there. He is, of course; you would have heard him move if he left. His jaw is hanging open in shock, his eyes unblinking. He gapes a few incoherent syllables, as though he is trying to form his thoughts into words, but cannot manage it. After what feels like forever, he manages to speak.

"I'm totally supportive of you, no matter what. You know that, right?" He asks, managing a reassuring smile.

You nod. "Thanks, but... I don't know what to do about it." Glancing down at the crumb again, you are reassured; the crumb will not leave you. The crumb will listen. The crumb is your conversational partner, even with Spencer right there next to you.

"Sorry, Carly. You know I'm no good with this kind of stuff. Just... go with the flow. It might work out." But he knows as well as you that it could never work, that Sam is in love with Freddie and that that is not going to change. So you thank him softly, give a last longing look at the crumb that so helpfully listened to you, and go upstairs to your room.

In your room, you do nothing. You sit and ponder and be confused and wish that you had not fallen for her. But you know that things like that can't be stopped. Who you fall for is fate. You don't get to choose. And that scares you.

Hours seem to pass, although it could have been only a few minutes, you wouldn't know. But Sam comes over all the same, because she always does, entering your room and causing your heart to skip a beat, as she greets you with, "Hey, Carls," and then informs you that Freddie is at some strange appointment with his mom, zooming you back into the reality that Freddie does, in fact, still exist, and that Sam is still very much his.

Suddenly you are torn; suddenly you are on the verge of tears. The fact that you told Spencer about your feelings for Sam just makes them so much more real, and you can't take it.

She notices the fact that you haven't said a word to you since she arrived. She notices your expression. She is your best friend, after all, known for noticing things about you when no one else can.

"Hey, Carly... are you okay?" She sits next to you on the bed, her closeness causing your heart to speed up, and looks at you with concern, her gorgeous blue eyes like little pools filled with worry.

You finally remember that she is waiting for an answer, and decide to be honest. "I don't know," you reply.

"What happened?" She asks, coming to your side and wrapping an arm around you, pulling you close, the way she always does when something is wrong. The touch, the feeling of her arms around your shoulders, is enough to send shivers down your spine. Your mind argues with you. Should you tell her, and risk it all?

"I'm... in love with someone I'm not supposed to be in love with," you explain quickly, not allowing yourself to think about it too much before you let it out. She looks at you sadly.

"Why not? I'm sure Spencer wouldn't care who you went out with... I know I wouldn't."

"No, it's not that. It's just... They could never, ever like me as more than a friend and they're dating someone and it's so confusing..." As she rambled on, she wondered if she had said too much, but if Sam had gotten any sort of hint from that, her face didn't reveal that she had. Her expression remained unwavering and concerned.

"Well, you remember what Freddie told me? ...Oh wait, you weren't there. Well, he said, you never know if the person you like is gonna like you back. Everyone feels that way. But you never know what might happen if you don't-"

And you could shoot yourself for cheesiness, for cutting her off in the middle of her sentence with a kiss, but oh, how you have longed to kiss her. Oh, how blissful it feels, your lips against her's, the sparks flying and suddenly everything makes sense and nothing matters but you and her and this kiss. She hesitates at first, and you can feel the shock in her lips as you press your's against her's. But unlike Freddie and Sam's however awkward kiss, you do not pull away after a moment. Instead, she relaxes, allowing herself to sink into the kiss. You can practically feel her eyes close, her lips soften. Her hands as they come around to the back of your head, entangling themselves into your long chocolate brown hair, your own hands drawing instinctively towards her back, wrapping around her waist, drawing her closer. Time could have stopped, and you wouldn't even have noticed.

After what feels like a blissful eternity, you both pull away.

"Yeah," Sam whispers, catching her breath. "Actually, that's exactly what he said. Got cut off with a kiss in the exact same place, too." She chuckles, clearly thinking about Freddie. You sigh.

"I'm sorry, Sam," you manage. You don't know what else to say. Sorry for what, even? For falling for her? For kissing her? You aren't sure. You are still surprised that she responded with such enthusiasm. Your lips are still tingling.

"Don't be," she replies. She looks over at you with a genuine smile, her blue eyes shining. "We'll make this work." To your surprise, she takes your hand and squeezes it in her's. You blink, but you do not speak. You are shocked beyond understanding. She liked kissing you. She wants to make this work. She wants to be more than friends with you. But...

"What about Freddie?" You voice your question aloud, your biggest concern.

Sam considers this. "I don't know," she confesses.

You live your lives apart but together. You begin to notice little things, however, like how overtime she grows more and more distant from Freddie. Like whenever Freddie is kissing her or holding her hand and laughing, she fakes a smile for Freddie and the two of you exchange a deep, understood glance. Or how when the pair of you are alone together, it is nothing but beautiful, the making out and the smiles and giggles. Genuine smiles, not just fake little ones like she gives Freddie. And you feel as though you are part of a soap opera, and that this is all going to end and Freddie is going to find out and everything is going to fall apart. Because that is how soap operas work, and because this is much too good to last.

Because as much as you adore Sam, Freddie is your friend, and you should not be doing this to him. Because he loves her. Because you do not know what Sam's feelings are anymore, for you or for Freddie. Because you are just confused. Because you are terrible at breaking the rules, and you cannot stand to feel guilty. Because you are you.

Confrontations never end well. But some things have to be done.

The next time you are alone together, Freddie is once again off wherever with his mom and Spencer is out searching the junk yard for sculpture supplies. You know that you are safe from interruptions.

"Sam. This isn't going to work." You might as well jump straight to the point. There is no point denying it. She looks at you, her eyes wide and confused.

"What do you mean?" She asks.

"Oh, don't act like you don't know! You and me! You have a boyfriend, Sam. You love him, not me. You're just... I don't know why you're doing this with me behind everyone's backs. I don't know if its for your guilty pleasures or sick desires or what but... We can't do this. You... you have Freddie." You don't even know if your words are true or not, but there has to be some truth to them. Sam is dating Freddie. It is Sam and Freddie. It has always been Sam and Freddie.

She shakes her head, approaching you. "No, no, Carly. Look, I know I should break up with Freddie. I thought you noticed. I don't want him, not really. I thought you noticed the way I looked towards you regretfully every time he kissed me or anything. I thought..."

You look down, wishing there was a crumb on the floor. There isn't. There is a speck of lint, however, so you settle for that, staring at it intently.

"Then why are you still with him?" You ask the lint, your eyes half-closing with solitude.

And Sam answers with the same words, the same tone, the same everything as she did weeks before. A low, honest confession. "I don't know."

And you nod, because you do not know what else to do.

After a moment, she steps towards you, closing the space between you, breaking the tension of the air by kissing you softly, reminding you why she is here. Reminding you that you still love her, that maybe you always have. That you know you always will.

When you pull away from the kiss, blue eyes meet brown and you are lost in each other for a moment. Freddie doesn't matter, let that get figured out later. Right now, all that matters is each other. She laces her figures through your's, and declares, "I'll break up with him."

"But Sam-" You are shocked. She's breaking up with Freddie for you? You feel yourself pained slightly; Freddie is still your friend, and it will still hurt you to see him have his heart broken. Even if it is to your benefit. It doesn't feel right.

"You honestly expect me to keep kidding myself by dating him?" She asks with disbelief.

"Hmmm... No," you decide, smiling widely.

"I love you," She says with a grin, her eyes telling you she means it. And you believe her.

"I love you, too." You know that you mean it, too, with all your heart and being.

So you allow yourself to forget the world again, your fingers laced together as she rests her head on your shoulder and blushes. You lean your head over and kiss her blushing cheek, making it turn an even brighter red.

In that moment, you could be dreaming, and you wouldn't know.


End file.
